Painful Life

I used to always think all the pain and trouble is worth it when it comes to relationships and love. But I'm beginning to think differently! Growing up a girl is told fairly tale stories of Cinderella and snow white where we fall in love with a prince on white horse and he takes us away from our pain. We are made to believe that this really exists but as we get older we realize this is not the case! There are no princes with white horses, there's no such thing as true love. It's all a bunch of bull. I always find myself wishing that all of it was true. So I expressed the emotions I felt at the time and they weren't the best. What can I say?? Nothing! There is and never will be "true love" or "love at first sight". At least that's what I keep telling myself, but I know that isn't true. I know you can fall in love with a person at first glance, because I did. And I know true love exists. I feel it everyday!! ..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
Sometimes someone's will to die is stronger than their will to live. In this society today we are lured into a false sense of security all of our lives. The thought of our parents always being their overwhelms our mind in a time of need. What about the people that don't have parents? When they finally gain one relationship where that person seems as if they'll always be there, when that one person creates a stable environment for us they surrender theirselves to a false sense of security. So then when that relationship ends like all do in my experience, no matter the magnitude, we loose our security in relationships, in others and in ourselves. So when we move on, we move on without security in ourselves and in our surroundings. Then every time we have troubles or problems we go back to our security. Many people have their security in their parents and most of the time they'll be there for most of the important things. But what happens when your security is untouchable, no longer with you. What happens when you loose your security because you lost the person you thought would always be there? What happens is you take yourself back to a point when you were secure with you life and self. Stable all around and had no major issues. That hurts and it's hard to loose your security and then have to find it again. Where does my security lay?? Truth is I have none; I am not secure in myself, my abilities, or relationships. So what do you do when you find yourself in a rut like this? You dig, you dig yourself out. Well I've been digging for about six months now and can't find my way out. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever gain that security again. I'm really not sure anymore. Lately I've been doing better but one little thing always comes along and ruins it all. Then I'm back where I started. So death has continually looked better and my will to die has become stronger than my will to live.
I'm misunderstood and lost, and no one gets me. Quitting isn't an option but what other option do I have?? Sit here and suffer. Continually attempt to dig myself out of this whole and keep getting shot back to the bottom. In all reality there's nothing left for me to do anymore. I think about Larry everyday of my life, and have begun to think maybe I'm not meant to be here much longer. Just maybe the train stops closer than I thought. It's starting to seem like it. I was asked if the words "I Love you" were some kind of thing that meant it was time to take your relationship to the next level. NO, it's not. But when you grow up, without love, and lose everyone that you have loved, and that has loved you, and that is all you ever wanted, it means more than what it means to everyone else. All I have ever wanted is one person to love me until the day I die, and be in love with me, and I them. To have a love so strong, that nothing could ever tear it down. It's what I've dreamt of since I was a toddler. I still dream of it every night.
I haven't figured out what has kept me from giving up. But when I think about it, I think its Larry. I would never want to disappoint him. Not like I've disappointed everyone else in my life. For some reason I've always done something to disappoint the people around me, even as hard as I've tried to make them all happy. I do so much to try to make my grandparents happy and proud. It has NEVER worked. Same for everyone, I always do my best to make everyone else happy before I make myself happy. When is it my turn to be happy? When I'm in heaven, is that going to be it? I have no idea what's in store for me, I'm just waiting to see what happens. I just have one request, the same request I've had all along, NO MORE PAIN, just send me love!!