Painful Life

I used to always think all the pain and trouble is worth it when it comes to relationships and love. But I'm beginning to think differently! Growing up a girl is told fairly tale stories of Cinderella and snow white where we fall in love with a prince on white horse and he takes us away from our pain. We are made to believe that this really exists but as we get older we realize this is not the case! There are no princes with white horses, there's no such thing as true love. It's all a bunch of bull. I always find myself wishing that all of it was true. So I expressed the emotions I felt at the time and they weren't the best. What can I say?? Nothing! There is and never will be "true love" or "love at first sight". At least that's what I keep telling myself, but I know that isn't true. I know you can fall in love with a person at first glance, because I did. And I know true love exists. I feel it everyday!! ..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
Sometimes someone's will to die is stronger than their will to live. In this society today we are lured into a false sense of security all of our lives. The thought of our parents always being their overwhelms our mind in a time of need. What about the people that don't have parents? When they finally gain one relationship where that person seems as if they'll always be there, when that one person creates a stable environment for us they surrender theirselves to a false sense of security. So then when that relationship ends like all do in my experience, no matter the magnitude, we loose our security in relationships, in others and in ourselves. So when we move on, we move on without security in ourselves and in our surroundings. Then every time we have troubles or problems we go back to our security. Many people have their security in their parents and most of the time they'll be there for most of the important things. But what happens when your security is untouchable, no longer with you. What happens when you loose your security because you lost the person you thought would always be there? What happens is you take yourself back to a point when you were secure with you life and self. Stable all around and had no major issues. That hurts and it's hard to loose your security and then have to find it again. Where does my security lay?? Truth is I have none; I am not secure in myself, my abilities, or relationships. So what do you do when you find yourself in a rut like this? You dig, you dig yourself out. Well I've been digging for about six months now and can't find my way out. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever gain that security again. I'm really not sure anymore. Lately I've been doing better but one little thing always comes along and ruins it all. Then I'm back where I started. So death has continually looked better and my will to die has become stronger than my will to live.
I'm misunderstood and lost, and no one gets me. Quitting isn't an option but what other option do I have?? Sit here and suffer. Continually attempt to dig myself out of this whole and keep getting shot back to the bottom. In all reality there's nothing left for me to do anymore. I think about Larry everyday of my life, and have begun to think maybe I'm not meant to be here much longer. Just maybe the train stops closer than I thought. It's starting to seem like it. I was asked if the words "I Love you" were some kind of thing that meant it was time to take your relationship to the next level. NO, it's not. But when you grow up, without love, and lose everyone that you have loved, and that has loved you, and that is all you ever wanted, it means more than what it means to everyone else. All I have ever wanted is one person to love me until the day I die, and be in love with me, and I them. To have a love so strong, that nothing could ever tear it down. It's what I've dreamt of since I was a toddler. I still dream of it every night.
I haven't figured out what has kept me from giving up. But when I think about it, I think its Larry. I would never want to disappoint him. Not like I've disappointed everyone else in my life. For some reason I've always done something to disappoint the people around me, even as hard as I've tried to make them all happy. I do so much to try to make my grandparents happy and proud. It has NEVER worked. Same for everyone, I always do my best to make everyone else happy before I make myself happy. When is it my turn to be happy? When I'm in heaven, is that going to be it? I have no idea what's in store for me, I'm just waiting to see what happens. I just have one request, the same request I've had all along, NO MORE PAIN, just send me love!!

That last kiss I'll cherish [ OLD ]

wonder if the day will ever come my life will finally be right. Been wrong from the beginning and I don't see that light. Seems as if darkness follows and daylight is far behind. Can't help but cry night after night, can't help but wallow in my pain day after day. Put on that fake smile and pray someday it will be real. The pain swells up as time goes on. It's like being shot over and over again, just hurts more each time. I don't know why I ever gave my love away from the start, should have just kept it to myself. Gave it away, right along with my heart, that got broke and I got a restart. I realize now he'll never feel that way about me, so it's just a lost rain. The clouds will never clear and the pain will never be erased. I know it's the same story time after time, but it's the same pain day in and day out. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in park, I just can't get out of this rut. Someday I want to be someone's everything. Someday I want to be someone's world again, except this time I want to be someone's something forever. I don't want the next one to be just temporary. I want to be someone's earth, sun, moon, and stars. Maybe someday I will be, I keep my head up and hope every night. But day after day that changes, as I continue to be no one's no body. I want to be called "the best thing that has ever happened to me", I want to be someone's forever. I keep asking the same old question time after time, will I ever be that to someone? I doubt it more and more all the time, and I don't think there's anything that can change my mind now. I'll never have it again, no amount of determination can get me this! Forever doesn't mean what it used to mean, love doesn't mean what it used to mean, nothing means what it used to mean. You can give someone your heart, and all your love, and that doesn't mean a thing. Maybe someday!!..

Old Love

Doesn't seem possible that you're gone
Think about it everyday and it just rips me apart
Foolin myself into thinking im okay
Thinking I don't need you
Keep tryin to tell myself
I don't love you
You mean nothing to me
But deep down I know its not true
I look at your picture
My heart flutters
It even kinda hurts
I fell in love with you the moment I laid eyes on you
The moment I knew your name
You became my everything.
I used to think you were my destiny
I used to think I controlled my fate
Im beginning to think Im wrong
Keep tryin to tell myself everything'll be okay
But its all a lie and I know it
I cant believe I ever let you go
But I thought youd come back to me
Keep telling myself its like Mariah careys butterfly song
You'll come back
But I don't think that's the truth anymore
Don't think ill ever get you back
And it only hurts when I see your eyes
When I hear your voice
And when I say your name.
All my memories are with you
Cant think of a time in my life
When I wasn't with you
All my stories contain your name
But the biggest one ends in shame.
Cant believe im so stupid
So stupid to let you go
To loose you
What a dope!
I promised you once id wait forever
And I guess Im still waiting.
Wish you could understand
That id never hurt you again.
Id do anything for one more chance
To prove you wrong
To show them all up
To show you that I love you
Always have
Always will.
No matter what
Theres no deeper love
Than what I have for you.
I don't care what she says
Remember when I told you
No one could love you like I can
It's the truth
And it always will be.
Maybe one day you'll see.
Maybe one day you'll notice
Me, standing here all alone.
But until that day
I guess I'm just stuck
Waiting
For something that seems impossible.
Better hurry
Because if ya take too long
Someone else might come along
They might heal this broken heart
They might fix the broken
And then
Just maybe
Ill fall in love
Once again.
And you'll be stuck
With no one!

Once upon a time [2 years old or older]

Once upon a time you were my knight in shining armor. Once upon a time you were my everything. Once upon a time you and I were a happy couple. Once upon a time we were in love. Once upon a time you promised me you'd always be mine. Once upon a time I meant something to you! I guess there are no more once upon a times, nor where there ever. I guess true love doesn't exist. I guess true love doesn't last! You are one of those guys that makes a girls head spin. You are one of those guys that can drive a girl mad. You were my all, you were my everything. You made me smile when I didn't want to, and made me cry when I was happy. You made my days brighter, and my life meaningful. You filled my heart with joy, my lungs with air, my day with sunlight, and my night with moonlight. Do you remember, the first time we met? Do you remember, the feelings we had? Do you remember, how intense it all was? Do you remember, what we once shared? It has come down to days where you don't answer my messages. You block your number so I can never see. You tell me that you love me, then take it away. You tell me one thing, and others another. You make me feel like a child, stupid and foolish. I try and I try to make you see, I'm not the little girl I once was, nor shall I ever be. I guess you could say this is kind of a poem. A poem about you and I, and what once seemed as if it'd never die. I think about the feelings, the feelings we have shared. I think about the obstacles, so many that we have overcome. I think about the day you proposed, and how it all fell away. I think about the day I let you go, and I can't believe I was such a dope. It's quarter after two, deep in the early morning. You're all that's crossed my mind, all that has been thought about! My feelings for you are so damn real, and everything I've told you is exactly how I feel. I'm sorry I ever messed up in the first place. It's the only thing I deeply regret. Can't believe that I made that mistake. Can't believe I put our love at steak. Now you're with this new girl, and you say you love her. I want to believe you but I don't know if its true. I've told you so many times no one can love you like I do and that's the truth. You make my world spin around, make my head go in circles. When I think about you, I think about my forever. This girl you're with now, I hope it all works out for you. Just know if you need me I'm right here. I'll never decieve you, and I sure in the hell won't ever leave you. Maybe someday you'll see that I'm the one for you. Maybe someday you'll see that I won't ever hurt you again. Maybe someday you'll see that you amaze me. There's nothing in my lifethat I need more, more than your love. You are everything, and I'd do anything.

Good-bye my lover [this is like 2 years old]

I gotta say I never thought I'd hear that! The words I've been dreading for oh so long. It never seemed real to me, kept denying it. Still don't believe it, his eyes were contradicting what he was saying. Saw him today, and I gotta say, it kinda hurt. As we sat there and talked, and as I looked into his eyes, it reminded me why I fell so deep in love! His eyes are a line which lead directly to his heart, you can see the truth in them when he lies. Told me he wasn't in love with me anymore, said that he was in love with her. His eyes told different than what he was saying to me. Talked for what seemed like hours, and the entire time he couldn't even look me straight in the eye. Never cared about somebody so much, keep tryin to go on. It is so hard to forget about what once was had, so hard to move on. The pain is just eating away, eating away at the insides. I know deep down he wants to be with me, fear of getting hurt is what keeps him at bay. I can tell by the way he talks, no matter what he says I know the truth. He knows I know, just to afraid to admit! How can I convince him I won't ever do it agaiN!? He told me to move on, to forget about him, to better my life without him. THat is so hard to do when no one wants you, that is so hard to do when you don't want anybody else. What is it gonna take to move on from him?! I think its gonna take a guy to come steal my heart!! He was the one person I thought would be there forever!!! I guess I was wrong! It kills me inside, I'm actually kinda dizzy from it, and I'm not kidding! Three years of love and care down the drain and no way of getting it back! How can I be with someone else when I miss him so much. Take the time to drive by his house, drive by his work. Just to see his car makes me smile, to know hes around, makes me giggle. But today he killed me with what he said. Said that he wanted to marry that girl of his yet I knew he was lying!!! He doesn't realize his eyes tell all, but maybe he does! Maybe we have a love like the Notebook, maybe 7 years down the road after years of not seeing eachtoher, and not talking, we'll meet up again. And when we do we'll fall madly in love with eachother all over again, and then spend forever together just like we planned. I don't know what fate has in store for me, no idea whats ahead. I hope one day he sees that he rocks my world! HOpe one day he sees the truth inside these eyes!!!

"Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend"

Love in a hand basket

never thought id find that onethat one who made me as happy as the sunhe sets my world on firehe is my desiredreamed of the day when i would meet himhe satisfies my every little whimbaby you set my soul at easeyou give me that peace withinnever had this feeling so deep insideplease dont leave my sidejust wanna be yours foreveruntil the end of timeits me and you against the worldbaby im your bonnie and your my clydelet me be your helping handlet me do whatever i canyou are my light you are my loveyou are my heaven up abovei love you with all my heartand we will never be apartour love is foreverit is the rose that will never dieits the light that lights the sky

Helpless World [ this is old too]

Were left here helpless
in a world so cruel
No help for us in sight
gotta go it alone
Where do you turn
when you have no where to turn
Who do you love
when you have no one to love
Just lying their helpless
and nothing we can do
Just like deer in headlights
were left for dead
How do you turn back
back to when things were good
Theres no help in sight for us
were left to go it alone
People so cold
just up and leave you alone
Leave you behind
and never look back
How do you forget
what you once had
How do you forget
what you once loved so much
Lookin back at my life
what do I see
Nothing
its all I can do
Pain just wont subside
no help for us
Everyday theres something new
all of that unexpected
We drink and drink
it just won't go away
What do you do
when the pain follows you
Like a dog
just wont go away
How do you live
when you live by memories
What is happy
I don't know anymore
Left here helpless
to go it alone
What do you do when you cant say hello
when theres only a goodbye
So sick of goodbyes
wishin theyd just go away
All of this unexpected
just wont stop coming
Were stuck in this world
so helpless
Im stuck in a world
were no one will ever figure me out
One of a kind
not many of those left
Were all just stuck here
in this world
helpless. . . . .